It was like one of those things you have always experienced but never even knew had a name. The first time I read about death anxiety, I knew it was exactly what I had experienced from time to time. Scenes would flash in my head, of detailed pictures of motor accidents, being stabbed, faced a pistol right about to be shot at me, and so on. I always wondered if I was attracting those events to myself or if the thoughts alone meant my spirit was sensing a looming end. It's not a good place to be. My near-death experience in 2016 was a major premiere of these imaginary episodes but I had gradually learned to make peace with it, since after all we will all die, but then it really did scare me, every single time.
One night as I pondered on one such 'horror movie' in my head, it dawned on me that this fear was feeding on my entitlement to being alive. I had fully owned the rights to a long life that the possibility of losing it seemed painfully unfair to imagine. But really, who was I to think so? Life is a gift and every other day that I am alive is a blessing that I should be thankful for. Rather than live in the fear of possibly losing a long life 'that I had a right to', what I feel now every day is deep gratitude that "wow I have a new day of life... oh wow... I appreciate that". Recently it crossed my mind how scary it would be to lose my sight... as a visual designer and lover of scenery, and it made me think "oh wow I have got sight right now, wow... I love the idea and beauty of sight... I can see right now, and oh boy am I so thankful for that!"
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This is really beautiful ✨
Thank you for sharing this Fá, you already know how I feel about this.